Trying to Understand

I follow my heart to suffering
my best intentions lead to pain
imagination and false hopes deadly
to the budding reality
I cradle in my hands

You were interested in me
you would catch my attention
ask me to do things with you
call when you say you'll call
gazing into your eyes as your true smile
spread across your face, the sunrise

Then came drink
and all the words you used to snare my heart
your soft kisses
I was so afraid but I would do anything for you
I didnt want to be your girlfriend until you asked me to be
someone else still holds my heart

One day you were so cold
you didnt avoid me
but you wouldnt touch me
I wonder what you are thinking
if I'll ever understand

At least you were honest
in telling me you were seeing other people
tried so hard not to get jealous
but my heart was shattered
I hid my tears
felt like you didnt even want to see me
but you stayed when you could have left

Tried to explain things to me
hard to take as poison
that you take it all back
that you're ashamed
I knew it was the last night I'd have my man in my bed

I wasnt what you wanted
A fool for believing in you
slowly sank back into the dark depths
of my misery and loneliness

My heart can't give up on you
I want so bad to believe you didnt lie to me
and that I can trust you

It Stops

this is familiar
i've been here before
funny
i promised myself
i'd never go back
yet here i am
nothing is changed
and i'm cold and lonely
starving
feeling like nothing to you
don't you want me
i did it again
i poisoned you with love
you're sick of me already
cold and distant
as i move closer you push away
used up
forgotton
i smile and say fine
i laugh and say ok
i pretend everything is normal
i try to convince myself all these pacifying lies
you act like you don't even want to see me
you fill my mind with awful thoughts
of your infedelity
i want to run away
i am so afraid
dont tell me damn it
don't let my imagination take hold and begin this decline
when thinking of you
my heart clenches in pain
i wish what you said was real
i wish you didn't take back your words
you broke my heart
i'm still crying over you
even though i knew this would happen
predicted in my sleep
i got what i wanted
was it too good to last

It Begins

you opened yourself to me
showed me vulnerability
asked me to be your girlfriend
caught off guard
wanting the same
you know all the right things to say
go to the calendar
draw a line through each day
until a month from now
thats how long we'll date
and then decide if we want to move in together
because you need out
and I need to pay my loan
I can give you what you need
respect and admiration
intimacy, touch
but can I trust you?

Crush

begins as physical attraction
almost always immediately
out of control
I see the inner being of their eyes
try to stop staring
their smile and laugh the clincher
my heart is gone
before I even know their name
fascinated, studying
try to control the uncontrollable
how should I act, what should I do
over-analyze everything

this is not love
love is giving
enjoying companionship without expectations
giving it time to grow
trust is the surrender of control

Friday the Thirteenth

the last to go was the light in her eyes

waking up with a charlie horse, right leg,

clenching teeth in pain

beating with futile fists

pushing, searching the muscle for a point

trying to release its rock hardness

awake now, limping, sore.

I don't like it. It doesn't need to change.

Offhand destruction of enthusiasm and friendship

I can't apologize

It is who I am

Weeping, trying to keep it together

the children make it easier to fake

some see the tear stains

and redness

others will never see.

I drive all the way to the hospital

with wet sore eyes

but am too afraid to go in

I clear out the library shelf of its

madness literature, 616

I shut off my emotions

I don't want to cry

the hurt becomes worse.

She was dull, blank, hollow

She never smiled

she rarely talked

voice quiet, mostly breath

no humour

no passion

no offense to people she cared about

she stopped crying

stopped loving

stopped creating

stopped living.

The last to go was the light in her eyes.

Reflection

All things meant to be
Shall come to pass
Learn patience
Learn tact
Listen

Last Day of University

Seven years

Don't even remember the start

But I know how much I've changed

And how much I've stayed the same

It's done

I become the one giving the homework

And marking the assignments

In school for life