i haven't slept well in weeks
i have night terrors and often wake up
in the middle of the night
for hours, unable to fall back asleep
when i first fall asleep, my roommates usually
come home and wake me up
the garage door grinds open, and then shut
may as well be my wall
the light by the bathroom
floods my room with light
i used to not need an alarm to wake up
now it's screaming plumbing
and the crash of dishes that could not
wait to be put away
i lie there thinking of my frustrations
and inadequacies
and pretty soon there is no going back
it will be a shitty day
i turn on the computer for the next 14 hours
and try to get the work done before the
weekend is over
knowing this was my only chance
for sleeping in
for the joy of staying asleep longer than
snatches of interrupted naps
and waking when my body says it's time to do so,
not from when the other 4 people who live
in this crowded and messy place
decide they need to make noise
it was easier to sleep when i was drinking
i could sleep til noon
my replacement addiction caffeine
has me exhausted yet strangely
completely wide awake, leg uncontrollably shaking
getting more nosebleeds, bags under my eyes
i start to look like a pessimist
in serious need of a nap
does this mean i am incapable of doing
my best, does my best become unreachable
does this work i am torturingly churning out
become judged as the best i can do?
i know its not the best but it is created
in an atmosphere that lacks adequate time and
evaluation procedures of my potential
regurgitated idealism jumps through hoops
i'm going to make it, maybe place or show,
the inner hound limping, bleeding,
but still running for all it has
behind those who don't take things
seriously, who didnt make the commitment
to swatca or start the Unit before they
knew their placement
sigh
i was supposed to sleep in today
what about the students who suffer from
similar unsatisfying patterns, i know
how much lack of sleep affects
brain chemicals
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2 comments:
I hear you. When we had our second baby, my sleep deprivation got so bad, I got tested for alheimer's...
What you depict here are also, I should mention, absolutely classic symptoms of sleep apnia. In all seriousness, it is worth asking your GP for a referal to the Southern Alberta Sleep Clinic -- besides offering a quite night's sleep in the clinic (no noisy roommates) the results will tell you if their is a medical problem. My guess would be they could turn your life around....
In the meantime, my empathy...
Sometimes it's hard to tell if you have something medically wrong or are just a hypocondriac. It's probably both. A few years ago I thought I had a blood disease but I think it was a B vitamin deficiency. I could feel my insides rotting. I should look into the Clinic, thanks.
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